My mom sometimes wanders through the house at night.
She may be looking for the bathroom. Sometimes she is simply awake and walking around. And sometimes she is looking for her babies.
My mom is 96 and has advanced dementia. In her mind, her children may still be young and somewhere in the house. When that happens, telling her that her children are grown does not help. Her worry is real to her.
After caring for my mom at home for more than 12 years, I have learned that I do not need to stop every nighttime wander.
I need to know that she is safe.
Our Home Is Already Set Up for Her Safety
After my mom was diagnosed with dementia, I went through our home and changed the environment around her. I removed things that could seriously hurt her, secured areas that needed to be secured, and eventually added additional door locks and an alarm system.
Because those protections are already part of our home, I do not start preparing the house for nighttime wandering every evening.
Before bed, I simply do one final check.
I make sure the doors are secured and the alarm system is set. I make sure the path she uses is clear and that the small light leading toward the bathroom is on.
Then I go to bed.
I Don’t Follow Her Every Time She Gets Up
This is probably the biggest difference in the way I handle nighttime wandering.
If I hear my mom walking around and nothing sounds wrong, I don’t automatically get out of bed.
The house is already set up for her safety. If she wants to walk around for a while, I let her.
My husband and I sleep with our bedroom door open. That way, if something does happen, I have a better chance of hearing it.
If she falls, sounds distressed, cannot find the bathroom, or keeps going back and forth because she is lost or confused, I can hear her and get up.
But simply hearing footsteps does not mean I have to intervene.
There is a difference between being aware of what she is doing and trying to control everything she does.
Sometimes She Is Looking for Her Babies
There are nights when Mom walks through the house looking for her children.
To her, they are still little.
I don’t tell her, “Your children are grown. There are no babies here.”
That would solve nothing.
Sometimes I get up and help her look for them for a little while. Then I reassure her that the babies are safe and that someone she trusts is taking care of them.
Once her worry is gone, she can usually settle down.
With dementia, I have found that resolving the feeling is often more useful than correcting the facts.
But Some Nights Are Different
Not every confused night is ordinary nighttime wandering.
I know what my mom’s usual wandering looks like. I also know when something feels different.
There have been nights when she becomes intensely confused, agitated, or delirious. She may keep moving around and become increasingly upset.
Those are not nights when I hear her and simply stay in bed.
I get up.
My first concern is not convincing her that she is confused. I try to understand what she believes is happening and respond from her side of the situation.
If she believes something is wrong, I help her deal with what she thinks is wrong.
Once she begins to feel safe, I can usually calm her.
And if she needs me beside her, I stay with her. Sometimes I sleep with her.
When Her Behavior Is Unusual, I Pay Attention to Her Body Too
When Mom becomes extremely agitated or delirious, I also pay attention to what is happening physically.
In her case, I check her blood pressure.
Mom has her own medical history and a specific medication plan from her doctor. Her blood pressure can fluctuate, and intense agitation and constant movement can raise it. If it is high, I follow the instructions her doctor has given specifically for her.
That is not advice about how someone else should manage blood pressure medication. It is simply one part of how I care for my own mom.
More importantly, I don’t assume that every sudden change in an older person with dementia is “just dementia.”
If Mom’s behavior is dramatically different from her normal pattern, I pay attention.
The Goal Isn’t to Keep Her in Bed
I could spend every night trying to make sure my mom stays in bed.
I don’t.
If she is awake and wants to walk around her own home, and I know the environment is safe, I give her that freedom.
If she needs help, I get up.
If she is frightened, I reassure her.
If something seems physically wrong, I check.
And if nothing is wrong except that Mom is awake and walking through the house, sometimes I simply let her walk.
That balance has allowed both of us to live with nighttime wandering.
Dementia has already taken away so much of my mom’s independence. I don’t want to take away more than I need to.
For me, the goal has never been to control every movement.
It is to give my mom as much freedom as I safely can—and to know when she truly needs me.
This article shares my personal experience caring for my mother with dementia at home. Sudden or severe changes in confusion, agitation, alertness, or behavior can have medical causes and should be discussed with a healthcare professional.
Related Articles
1. How to Prevent a Person With Dementia From Wandering or Getting Lost
2. How to Create a Bathroom Routine for Someone With Dementia
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