Why Family Mealtimes Still Matter in Dementia Care
For as long as I can remember, my mom has eaten at the same table with me.
That did not change when she developed dementia.
My mom is 96 now. She has advanced dementia, has difficulty moving around, and no longer has teeth. Eating takes her a long time—sometimes close to an hour. But unless she is sick or physically unable to sit at the table, I do not serve her meals alone in another room.
If my husband is home, the three of us eat together. We may eat different foods and finish at very different times, but we start our meal together.
To me, the family table is about much more than food.
The Table Keeps Her Part of Everyday Family Life
Families naturally connect over meals. We talk, laugh, tell each other little things, or sometimes talk about nothing important at all.
My mom doesn’t need to follow every conversation for that time to matter.
Sometimes what she says doesn’t make logical sense. That’s okay. She has dementia. I don’t expect the conversation to make perfect sense. I can agree with her, respond to whatever she is saying, or just talk about something else.
Sometimes we laugh.
The point isn’t to have a logical conversation. It is the emotional connection that happens simply by being together.
She sees our faces. She hears familiar voices. She watches us eat. She laughs when we laugh. And very often, when she sees other people eating, she continues eating too.
She may not remember the meal or the conversation later. But that doesn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy the moment while it was happening.
She was there. She was included. She was part of the family.
I Changed Her Diet, Not Her Place at the Table
As my mom’s chewing became more difficult, I changed her entire diet at home around what she could comfortably eat.
She has no teeth now, so I prepare foods that require little or no chewing while still trying to give her balanced nutrition. She eats things like dumplings, soft meat patties, fish, omelets, and other foods that are easy for her to manage.
I also give her Ensure to help supplement her nutrition.
My food can be completely different. I have teeth, so I eat bread, salads, and plenty of things she can no longer comfortably eat.
We don’t need to have the same food on our plates to have a meal together.
I changed what she eats because her physical abilities changed. I didn’t change where she eats or where she belongs.
When Her Appetite Goes Away, I Keep the Routine
There are times when my mom loses her appetite and eats very little.
I don’t force her to eat. But I also don’t give up our normal mealtime routine just because she isn’t interested in food for a while.
I still bring her to the table. I sit down with my food and start eating with her as usual.
Over the years, I have seen her appetite come back many times.
She sees me eating. She takes another bite. Sometimes she eats only a little at first, and gradually she begins eating more again.
I can’t say that eating together is the reason her appetite returns every time. I can only say what I have repeatedly observed while caring for my mom: keeping the familiar routine and having other people eating around her often seems to help her continue eating.
So even during periods when she doesn’t have much appetite, I keep bringing her back to the family table.
We Don’t Have to Finish Together
My mom eats very slowly now. A meal can take her close to an hour.
That doesn’t mean I have to sit at the table without moving for an hour.
We start together.
I eat my meal, sit with her for a while, talk and laugh with her, and then I may get up and start cleaning the kitchen while she continues eating at her own pace. I am still nearby, and she is still part of what is happening around her.
I don’t rush her because I finished first.
This makes our routine workable for both of us.
Family Gatherings Matter Even More
I don’t leave my mom out of family meals because she has dementia.
When our family gets together, she sits at the table with everyone else.
I think this becomes even more important as dementia progresses. When a grandparent or an older parent is sitting at the same table, children and other family members naturally say something to them. Maybe it is only one sentence. Maybe the response doesn’t make much sense.
That’s okay.
They are still looking at each other. Someone is talking to her. Someone laughs with her. She is surrounded by the voices and faces of her family.
People don’t have to arrange a special activity or figure out how to have a meaningful conversation with someone who has advanced dementia. They are simply sharing a meal.
A person can lose the ability to follow a complicated conversation and still experience warmth, familiarity, attention, laughter, and the feeling of being included.
That is why I never exclude my mom from family gatherings just because caring for her takes more work.
I Take Her to Restaurants Too
The same principle applies when we eat out.
I have taken my mom with us to all kinds of restaurants, including very nice ones. I don’t automatically decide that she should stay home because feeding her there might be inconvenient.
Instead, when I look at the menu, I think about what she might be able to eat.
I usually order her food and mine with both of us in mind. Once the dishes arrive, I can see which one will actually be easier for her to eat. If my dish turns out to be better for her, I give it to her and eat the other one.
The meal can be adjusted.
My mom doesn’t have to be excluded.
The Family Table Is an Opportunity We Get Every Day
Caregiving can easily become a list of things that need to get done: medication, bathing, toileting, nutrition, safety.
All of those things matter.
But my mom is not only someone I care for. She is still part of my family.
That is one reason the family table is so important to me. I don’t have to create a special activity for emotional connection. We already eat every day.
Every meal gives us another opportunity to sit together, see one another, talk about something important or absolutely nothing, laugh, and simply share the same space.
Sometimes my mom follows the conversation. Sometimes she doesn’t.
Sometimes she eats well. Sometimes she doesn’t.
But she is there.
Dementia changed what my mom eats. It changed how long she takes to eat. It changed the kinds of conversations we can have.
But it never changed her place at our table.
This article is based on my personal experience caring for my mother with dementia at home. Every person with dementia has different abilities and medical needs. Problems with chewing or swallowing, unexplained weight loss, dehydration, or sudden changes in eating should be discussed with a healthcare professional.
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1. How to Create a Bathroom Routine for Someone With Dementia
2. How Familiar Routines Can Make Medication and Nutrition Easier in Dementia Care
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