My mother drinks Ensure every morning.
But I call it “coffee.”
Coffee had been part of her morning routine for many years. After dementia caused her to wander around at night, I stopped giving her coffee. So I simply replaced her morning coffee with Ensure.
She may not understand what Ensure is or why I want her to drink it, but she understands coffee. She understands her morning routine. So she is happy to drink it.
Instead of saying,
“Mom, you need to drink this.”
I say,
“Mom, let’s have some coffee.”
We sit together, have our “coffee,” and talk.
For my mother, the familiar routine matters more than explaining what is actually in the cup.
Sometimes Less Explanation Works Better
I have learned that I do not always need to explain everything to my mother. As her dementia has progressed, she often has difficulty understanding unfamiliar words, longer explanations, or even simple questions.
Sometimes I can ask, “Mom, what would you like to eat?” and she does not know how to answer. Giving her more choices or explaining them in more detail does not necessarily help. Sometimes it only confuses or frustrates her.
So I try to live within the words and routines she still knows.
If I told her that she needed to drink a nutritional supplement because I wanted to make sure she was getting enough nutrition, that explanation might not mean anything to her. She may not understand what I am trying to tell her, and if I keep explaining, she may become irritated.
But “Let’s have some coffee” reaches her.
She knows coffee. She knows that coffee belongs in the morning. She knows what it means when the two of us sit down together to have it.
So instead of asking her to understand something new, I use something that is already familiar to her.
I Use the Same Approach With Medication
My mother does not like taking medicine.
But she had been taking blood pressure medication for many years before she developed dementia, so taking her “blood pressure medicine” is familiar to her.
Now, when it is time for her medications, I simply say,
“Mom, it’s time to take your blood pressure medicine.”
I do not explain every medication or try to convince her why she needs each one. I use the familiar phrase she has heard for years.
Because this has been part of her routine for so long, she almost never resists taking it.
Look for What Is Already Familiar
Every person with dementia has a different history and different habits. What works for my mother may not be the familiar routine that works for someone else.
Think about the things the person you care for has done for years.
What did they always drink in the morning? Did they take certain medications at the same time every day? Did they always eat breakfast before getting dressed? Did they have a favorite cup, chair, plate, or place at the table?
Sometimes the easiest way to introduce something necessary is not to make it feel new.
Try fitting it into something they already recognize.
For my mother, that means her morning “coffee” and her “blood pressure medicine.”
For someone else, it may be completely different.
Keep the Routine Simple
Once I find something that works, I try not to keep changing it.
I use the same familiar words and, when possible, follow the same general routine. I am not trying to make every day perfectly identical. I am simply trying to reduce unnecessary confusion.
If she already understands one way of doing something, I would rather keep using it than introduce a new explanation every time.
This has become one of the simplest things I do in caring for my mother.
Before I explain more, persuade more, or correct more, I ask myself whether there is already something familiar in her life that I can use.
A familiar word, a familiar routine, or a familiar habit can sometimes make everyday care much easier.
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