Dementia Family Care

One of the most exhausting parts of dementia care can be hearing the same question again and again.

“What time are we leaving?” “Where are we going?” “Did we eat?” “Where is everyone?”

You answer, and a minute later the same question comes again. After the tenth time, it can be difficult not to say, “I already told you.”

My mother has had dementia for more than twelve years, and I have answered some questions more times than I could possibly count. Over time, I stopped thinking that I had to handle every repeated question exactly the same way.

Remember That It May Be the First Time for Them

If Mom asks me the same question ten times, I have heard it ten times. She may have experienced it ten separate times as the first question.

That doesn’t make the repetition less tiring for me, but it changes how I react to her. She may simply have no memory of asking the question or hearing my answer.

So when I can, I answer again. But I don’t believe a caregiver has to answer every repeated question every single time.

Sometimes I Answer. Sometimes I Redirect.

If Mom seems worried or is genuinely looking for reassurance, I answer her. If she asks where someone is, I may give her a simple answer that makes sense to her. If she seems anxious about where we’re going or what we’re doing, I reassure her.

But sometimes the question is just repeating itself without any real distress behind it. Then I may change the subject. I might point to something on television, ask her a different question, offer her something to eat or drink, or get her involved in something else.

I’m not trying to make her understand that she has already asked the question. I just move the conversation somewhere else.

You Don’t Have to Respond Every Single Time

Sometimes Mom asks something, I answer, and thirty seconds later she asks again. I answer again. Then she asks again.

At some point, if she isn’t upset or frightened and doesn’t need anything, I may simply let one of those questions pass.

I don’t ignore Mom all day. I spend a lot of time talking with her. But I also don’t stop what I’m doing and give a complete answer to every repetition.

Keep the Answer Simple

Long explanations usually don’t help us.

If Mom asks a simple question, I try to give her a simple answer. She doesn’t need the whole schedule, the reason the schedule changed, what happened yesterday, and what we’re doing tomorrow.

Sometimes one short answer is enough. When the question comes back, I can give her the same short answer again.

Listen for What Is Behind the Question

Sometimes Mom is asking for more than the literal answer.

If she keeps asking when we’re going home even though she’s already home, telling her the address over and over isn’t going to help. If she repeatedly asks where someone is, she may be looking for someone familiar.

I pay attention to her face, her voice, and what she is doing. If she seems anxious, I may sit with her for a while, give her a hug, change the subject, or find something for us to do together.

Repetition Can Just Be Part of the Conversation

Conversation with Mom doesn’t always move from one subject to the next anymore. Sometimes we go around in circles. She tells me the same thing several times, or I answer the same question several times.

I don’t need to tell her we’ve already had the conversation. If we’re both comfortable, I just let it happen.

Sometimes I change my tone, exaggerate my answer, make a face, or turn the repetition into something funny.

We may have the same conversation again five minutes later.

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