Dementia Family Care

One of the most common and difficult situations in dementia care is hearing:

“I want to go home.”

My mother has lived with dementia for many years, and I have learned that trying to convince her that she is already home usually doesn’t help. When she feels that she needs to leave, explaining the address or repeatedly telling her, “This is your home,” may only lead to the same conversation again and, in some cases, may make the person more agitated or aggressive.

Instead, I try to respond to what she is feeling and redirect her attention first.

And when redirection doesn’t work, sometimes I simply say:

“Okay. Let’s go home.”

Then we go out.

Why “I Want to Go Home” Can Become Worse Later in the Day

For some people with dementia, confusion, restlessness, agitation, or the urge to leave becomes stronger in the late afternoon or evening. This is often called sundowning.

Because I know my mother can become more restless as the day gets later, I pay attention when she starts talking about going home during the daytime.

I don’t immediately take her out every time she says it.

First, I try redirecting her.

1. Try Redirecting Their Attention First

If Mom says she needs to go home, I may start talking about something completely different.

Sometimes changing the subject is enough.

Other times, I give her something to do.

Depending on what the person enjoys and is still able to do, you might try:

• a simple puzzle
• tossing or rolling a soft ball
• coloring
• sorting or arranging objects
• a simple game they enjoy
• looking through pictures
• watching something they like
• having a snack or drink
• simply sitting down and talking about something familiar

The specific activity is not important. The idea is to help the mind move away from the thought that is making the person feel that they need to leave.

I may try this several times.

Sometimes it works beautifully. Mom forgets about going home and becomes interested in something else.

But sometimes nothing works.

She still wants to go.

That is when I stop fighting it.

2. If Redirection Doesn’t Work, I Say, “Okay, Let’s Go Home”

Instead of spending the next hour telling Mom that she is already home, I may simply agree with her.

“Okay. Let’s go home.”

Then I get her ready and take her out.

From her point of view, I am no longer the person preventing her from going where she believes she needs to go. I am helping her.

And from my point of view, if she wants to go somewhere anyway, I can turn that urge into something useful.

We go for a walk.

3. Turn the Urge to Leave Into Exercise

I usually take Mom somewhere safe where she can walk.

A large indoor store, shopping center, grocery market, or mall can work well for us. Indoor places are especially useful because I don’t have to worry as much about rain, extreme heat, or cold.

We walk.

We look around. Sometimes I use this time to do some grocery shopping too.

There are people and things for her to see, so her attention naturally moves to something else.

And she gets exercise without feeling as though I am making her exercise.

Before we leave the house, I also take her to the bathroom. That makes the outing easier and reduces the chance that we will suddenly need to find a restroom.

Of course, this approach is for someone who is mobile enough to go out safely. If the person has balance or mobility problems but can still walk, make sure they have the support or mobility aid they need.

4. A Daytime Walk May Help With the Evening Too

There is another reason I like doing this during the day.

Mom moves.

If she has been sitting inside much of the day, an outing gives her a chance to walk, see different surroundings, and use some energy.

By the time we return home, she is often calmer and pleasantly tired.

Physical activity during the day can support better sleep, although dementia-related sleep problems and nighttime wandering can have many causes and exercise will not solve all of them.

In my mother’s case, however, I have found that when she gets enough activity during the day, she often sleeps better at night.

And a better night for her means a better night for me too.

5. Don’t Make Every “I Want to Go Home” a Battle

This was one of the biggest things I had to learn.

When a person with dementia says, “I want to go home,” our instinct may be to correct them:

“You are home.”

But if their brain no longer recognizes the house as home at that moment, repeating the fact may not change what they are experiencing.

So I no longer feel that I have to win that argument.

First, I redirect.

I talk about something else. I offer an activity. I try to move her attention somewhere more comfortable.

If that works, great.

If it doesn’t, and it is safe for us to go out, I say:

“Okay. Let’s go home.”

We put on our shoes and go.

What began as a difficult dementia behavior becomes a walk, some exercise, a change of scenery, and sometimes a better night’s sleep.

After more than twelve years of caring for my mother at home, I have learned that I don’t have to correct every confused thought.

Sometimes it is easier to enter her reality for a little while and find a safe way through it.

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Caregiver Note

If the urge to leave is sudden, unusually intense, or very different from the person’s normal behavior, consider whether something else may be bothering them, such as pain, hunger, thirst, needing the bathroom, illness, medication effects, or another source of discomfort.

If wandering or leaving the home has become a safety risk, talk with the person’s healthcare professional about additional safety measures and possible underlying causes.

This article is based on my personal experience caring for my mother with dementia at home for more than 12 years. It is not a substitute for medical advice.