My mom hasn’t known that I am her daughter for about five years. Who she thinks I am changes from time to time, but most often she thinks I am her best friend from childhood.
I don’t know why this particular friend is the person she remembers most often. Maybe it is because we spend so much time together and she feels comfortable with me. I really don’t know. What I do know is that Mom trusts me, even though she doesn’t know I am her daughter.
Accept Where Their Memory Is Now
For me, this became much easier once I accepted one simple fact: Mom cannot remember who I am.
If she can’t remember, there is no reason for me to keep trying to make her remember. Telling her, “Mom, I’m your daughter,” doesn’t bring the memory back.
So if Mom thinks I am her best friend, then I am her best friend.
If she thinks I am someone else, that’s fine too. I don’t need to correct her. I simply go along with whoever she thinks I am that day and continue the conversation from there.
In a way, it is just role-playing. I don’t mean pretending in a cruel or deceptive way. I mean entering the situation Mom is already living in instead of repeatedly pulling her into mine.
Sometimes, in the middle of an ordinary conversation, Mom will suddenly ask me, “Hey, what is your sister-in-law doing these days?” or “How is your brother?”
She asks me just as she would ask an old friend about her family. I don’t correct her or remind her that I am her daughter. I just tell her, “Everyone is doing well.” And that’s usually enough. We simply keep talking.
It is much easier than arguing with dementia.
I Don’t Test Her Memory
I don’t ask Mom, “Do you know who I am?” There is nothing useful for either of us in that question.
If she gets the answer wrong, what have I accomplished? I have only shown her that she doesn’t remember something she is supposed to remember.
I don’t need Mom to prove that she remembers me. I would rather spend that time talking with her, laughing with her, watching television, eating together, or doing whatever we happen to be doing that day.
Her memory doesn’t need to be tested every time we interact.
Recognition and Trust Are Different
This is something I have learned from living with Mom.
She doesn’t recognize me as her daughter, but she trusts me. Those are two different things.
We spend more time together than she does with anyone else. I help her throughout the day. We eat together, go places together, talk, watch TV, hold hands, and hug. When she is confused or frightened, I am usually the person beside her.
I can’t know exactly what Mom remembers or understands about me. But I can see that she is comfortable with me. She accepts my help, follows me when we go somewhere, and often lets me calm her when she is worried.
She may not remember who I am, but she seems to know that she can trust me.
The Relationship Can Continue Without the Correct Name
Once I stopped caring whether Mom identified me correctly, our relationship became much simpler.
I don’t need to be “daughter” in her mind every day. I already know who I am. Mom doesn’t have to remember it for me.
What matters to me now is that she is comfortable with me and that we can still spend our days together.
I don’t try to bring her back into my reality every time she gets something wrong. I listen to what she says, figure out who I am in her world that day, and go from there.
I simply step into hers.
Mom doesn’t have to struggle to remember something she no longer can, and I don’t have to spend my days correcting her.
She thinks I am her best friend most of the time.
So her best friend it is.
This article shares my personal experience caring for my mother with dementia at home. Every person with dementia is different. If confusion or failure to recognize familiar people appears suddenly or is very different from the person’s usual behavior, contact a healthcare professional because sudden changes can sometimes have causes other than dementia.
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